ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big