I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
You Might Also Like
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.