Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”