I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.