Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.