*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.