remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
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You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO