The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love