Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.