(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
How dramatic are you?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Not even remotely sorry.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.