It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf