OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
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“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.