My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
fair
Running your mouth is not cardio.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?