Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Very good! 👍😂
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.