I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
scares
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out