*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”