Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.