Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.