I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I’m giving up for Lent.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism