One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Just a bush.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird