Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me, in DM rooms…
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The answer is funnier than the question
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
And that about sums it up.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week