[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
See..?
.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars