This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Thursday Thought.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.