I really would love to see two mimes arguing
You Might Also Like
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
She: I like Cats
He:
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
It’s the weekend y’all
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this