The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?