Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you