TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
cyclists
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.