May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it