[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
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Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
*mops up wine with cat*
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself