I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
This took me a second..
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Geez man, take it easy.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Happy Star Wars day!
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Would you wear it?
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace