I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
that de-escalated quickly
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.