The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Netflix and scream at our children?!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem