“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
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Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.