IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My god she’s good.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.