Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
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Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I just stopped by to water my horse.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Cardio Made Easy
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me