Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
step 6: release the wall snake
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.