Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge