Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
You Might Also Like
I’m about to risk it all
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I bet birds love this building.
pictures of spider-man
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
How actors in movies eat their food