I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
accurate
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Beware of the dog..
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.