Pretty much. 🤣
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.