Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
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No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget