ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.