Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…