Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.