Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
You Might Also Like
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur