when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Finally! 😈
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true