Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.