Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY