The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
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My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Yep.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Boy never ceases to amaze me
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I put the mess in domestic.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.