WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Yoga Matt
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer